Rock. Bottom.

In college, sometimes you have moments that make you wonder. Wonder what to do, major in, become. Wonder about life itself. And especially, wonder why you have friends. These little moments are lovingly referred to as "petra deorsum". That's the scientific name for "rock bottom". This has been the theme of my weekend.

Loads of fun!

So I just realized the other night that I hadn't done laundry since November. I realized this because I had four more clean shirts and I'd been wearing the same jeans for three days. Call me gross if you will, but did you know that Levi Strauss has NEVER washed his jeans? He says to put them in the freezer. Maybe I should start doing that with all my laundry. It'd save me 80 cents a load.

The horror, the horror!

Finals are upon us... And since I have taken three in the last 24 hours, I figure I deserve this blogging break. Today's topic: Everything you need to know about finals.

First of all. Resistance is futile. If you haven't been studying and attending class all along, you're not going to learn anything out of the book. Let's face it. You're going to fail. So why bother trying? Just show up and take them all Monday morning. With 5 tests at an average of 20 minutes each, you could be done in less than two hours! If failure is inevitable, you might as well enjoy the rest of your week. And you can laugh at everyone else who is stressing about studying.

Multichaptasticking

I did something miraculous the other day.

I finished an entire tube of chapstick. That never happens! I always, always lose them before I finish them. I feel like I deserve an award of some sort.

This is way more prestigious than any Oscar or Emmy or Darwin award.

Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere...

Yesterday in our dorm, something terrible happened. Something awful, dreadful, utterly unpleasant, and ridiculously repulsive. It was the most dreaded day in a college student's life... Cleaning checks!

Cleaning checks are just that: your RA checks that your apartment is clean. You are assigned jobs to clean your dorm, you all do them, and then the RA comes and makes sure you did them. It's like being audited on your living space. It's stressful. Plus, you have to clean up after other people. (It does balance out, because they're also cleaning up after you, but still.)

Is there a doctor in the house?

Do you remember that time a couple of flu seasons ago when everyone was scared of swine flu? And if anyone coughed in class, everyone around them murmured, "Swiiiiine!" "He has the swine." "Oink, oink!" Well, I was thinking about that today because, guess what.

Bacon is delicious. Worth the risk.

I'm sick.

I think I'm still in denial.

Here at BYU, finals are quickly approaching. I have exactly 8 days until my first final. Everyone around me seems to have slipped into some sort of studying hyperdrive mode, yet here I am, frivolously typing away. I feel like I'm addicted to not worrying. So, I'm going to set up a 12-step program for myself to get over it this dysfunctional and addictive behavior.

1. Admit that I am powerless over my addiction--that my life has become unmanageable.

Alright, alright. I admit it. My life is horribly, awfully, twistedly unmanageable. I can't handle it anymore. I can't even open a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli without breaking down into tears, because I am addicted to contentment. I am addicted to complacency!

Life... Is so... Hard... My lace hankie and the delicate rivulets of mascara flowing down my cheeks show you how truly burdensome this can of ravioli is to my life...

I mustache you a question...

A moustache [muhs-tash, muh-stash] is facial hair grown on the outer surface of the upper lip. It may or may not be accompanied by a type of beard, a facial hair styler grown and cropped to cover most of the lower half of the face.

The mustache, or moustache if you're British, is the perturbing paradox of man. Theoretically, the mustache adds an air of class and finesse to any schlub in a tuxedo. Truly, however, the mustache is a detriment to any and all men, no matter how angelic their clean-shaven baby face is.

Look. Even Brad Pitt can't pull it off, and apparently he's "dreamy". All it does is make him look like some 50-year-old taxi driver.

Bucket List

If you go to the Creamery a lot, you may have a bunch of 3 gallon buckets sitting around your apartment. There are many things that you can use these buckets for, and here are nine of my personal favorites, complete with disgracefully disproportionate photoshop pictures.

Creamery on Ninth

The Creamery. It's sort of like the BYU Walmart. There are ridiculously long lines at weird hours of the day--like nine o' clock at night. Weird, random items in bins in the back of the store, like q-tips and polka-dot socks. You go there for one thing, can't find it, and end up spending ten or fifteen dollars on something completely different. Also, you can shop there if you have slippers on, but not if you're wearing short shorts or a tank top. It is also Heritage Halls' top date destination. I'm not kidding. I've been on three dates that involved the Creamery.

Also, if you go to the Creamery's web page, down in the bottom left corner, there is a link of "Date Ideas". Or scroll down to "Delicious Dating". WARNING: This content may not be suitable for children who are lactose intolerant... Because it's so cheesy!

Why is the Creamery so amazing? Let's dissect it, aisle by aisle.

Zumba! Because we ate too much.

Two days ago was Thanksgiving. I ate and ate and ate... And gained six pounds. So last night, Julie and I decided that since we are the only ones at home, we would work out a little bit. We looked up some Zumba videos on Youtube...

We felt like the girls in the white pants, but I'm pretty sure we actually looked like the lady in the background in the red T-shirt. Which is why we made sure the blinds were closed. (Look at her around 2:35... That's us.)

We died a little bit, and sweat a lot. But it's okay, because sweat is just fat crying. And there was some fat left over from Thanksgiving that needed to cry. (Holiday leftovers are not always a good thing.)

Happy Thanksgiving.. Eve?

I haven't posted in awhile... Because this week is a holiday week! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is basically a big excuse for America to take a day off of work and just eat. (Because that's EXACTLY what the obesity pandemic needs, right?) The real purpose of Thanksgiving, however, is to remember your blessings and be grateful for everything in your life. That being said, here is a video of my chemistry teacher blowing up a turkey balloon.

Well, that was exciting.

Frant

Frant [frant] noun: loud, declamatory, complaining, or extravagant speech, occurring on a Friday. See also: complaint, tirade, vociferation.

Frant posts are dedicated to you, dear readers. They are the things that everyone complains about throughout the month, but never has anyone to complain to. Some are funny, some serious, some awesome, and some just plain stupid.

• The good news is, we still have running water. The bad news is, it's all cold. The worse news is, the heat is off.
• I just want to tell him, 'I'd love to stay and chat, but I hate you.'

Weapons of Mass Distraction

Naked puppies! There, now I have your attention. Have you noticed how easy it is to get distracted? It's like, I get online to do my homework, and the next thing you know, I'm pinning an adorable puppy on Facebook. How does this happen? I'm not sure. But, here are some ways to get more distracted. Because it wasn't easy enough before.

1. Pinterest. For those of you who haven't heard of it, it sounds really dumb when you explain it. Basically you scroll through little pictures and you can like them or repin them on your boards. It's solely a time waster. The bad thing is, it gives you other things to distract yourself with. Like new hairdos. Or cookies!

Sleepytime

Sleep [sleep] to take the rest afforded by a suspension of voluntary bodily functions and the natural suspension, complete or partial, of consciousness; cease being awake. Synonyms: nap, doze, dream, snooze. Antonyms: waking, consciousness, college.

Here I am, writing a post in the middle of the night. The epitome of college, right? Staying up late, passing out from exhaustion in the wee hours of the morning, and then waking up twenty minutes before your first class. E'ery day of my life. You'd think I'd just go to bed earlier. Nah. There's too much to do! Also, I'm rarely tired at a normal "bedtime".

Room 4106's Fabulous Fort!

Over the weekend, my roommies and I wanted some quality bonding time together. So what did we do? We built a fort that filled our entire living room.

This is the view from the window side of the room.

I know what you're thinking right now. "How in the world did you construct such a fabulous piece of architecture? And how can I do the same??" Well, I'll tell you.

Pumpkin Escapades

Look at this cute little pumpkin. He looks so shy and unassuming, so quiet and friendly, right?

WRONG.

This pumpkin has been creeping around our apartment, hiding in peculiar spots, trying to catch us unawares for days.

Does this post make me look fat?

Food. Every college student dreams of it. The rare weekends when mothers visit and cook dinner cause vegetarians to rebel and eat 3 pieces of chicken. Thanksgiving is euphoria. I'm sure you're all wondering, what DO college students really eat, besides ice cream and pizza? Well, I can't say I'm the norm when it comes to my diet, but I would say I'm by no means the exception either, so here is my limited insight into the dietary habits of Homo sapiens collegians.

College= (High school) * 1,000,000,000,000,000,000

I have been talking to a few of my friends recently who are still in high school, and I realized something. I did not like high school. I managed to have a fun time with extracurriculars and friends, but school as a whole was dreadful, despite some enjoyable classes. By the end of senior year, I was SO ready for college. And now that I'm here, it is AWWEEESSSOMMMMEEEEE.... Here are some reasons why.

1. The schedule.

First of all, the daily schedule. In high school, you were required to be at school, in a desk, for 7 hours every day. My high school was from 7:30 AM to 2:10 PM. That is a looooong time. In college, you don't have that. You get to pick how many classes a day you take, and at what time you take them. So if you don't want to have class until 1:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you don't! And if you only want to have two classes on Fridays, you do!

Ridiculicism: The new era of photography

This post will teach you how to take a good picture, like the lovely picture at left. Or maybe even better, since I took that picture and I'm not even a professional. But here are some guidelines that will ensure a professional photograph every time.

1. Get a camera.

Perhaps the most overlooked of all steps, number one is possibly the most important. When selecting a camera, make sure you choose the best quality camera that you can afford. And never go look at cameras that you can't afford, or you'll drool all over them and break them and go into debt to pay for them, and then a tornado will hit your house and take off your roof and you won't even be able to fix it because all your money went to pay for a camera that you can't even use.

Science Sillies

Life is stressful, and we all need a good laugh every now and then. To help you do that, here are some classy science jokes. If you don't get them, it's okay; take a chemistry class and then come read them again. I'm like, in college and some of them still took me awhile to understand...

Q: If a bear in Alaska and a bear in Yosemite both fell in the water, which one would dissolve faster?

A: The one in Alaska, because it's polar.

Confucius say... Man who breathe, inspire. Man who do not breathe, expire.

бабушка Юля

This post is about my second to last roommate. Julie! She is obsessed with all things Russia, so I thought it was appropriate to title this post "Grandma Julie", except in Russia. (I think it's pronounced Baba Yulia. And I hope it really says Grandma Julie, and not something vulgar, obscene, or ridiculous. Sorry to anyone in Russia if it is. Google Translate, ya know.) But why "Grandma" Julie? It's because secretly, she is a masked super-hero who is disguised as a gypsy palm-reader called Baba Yulia. She goes around in head scarves, reading palms and saving lives.

Julie and me with our friend Trevor.

More about Julie!

"Don't be stupid" -Thomas Paine

Today is officially "Use Your Common Sense Day". If you don't believe me, I can prove it. It is also "National Chicken Lady Day", but that's beside the point.

I have seen several things in the past few days that I wish to correct with a small dose of good judgement.

1. Wearing flip-flops and a coat. Uh, really? It's not even that cold today. If you are that freezing, put on some rainbow, knee-high toe socks and man up. Seriously. Also, BYU has a "Shoes at all times on campus" policy, and according to my dad, flip-flops are not shoes. They may cover the bottom of your foot, but they provide no protection from cold, dirt, bugs, or puppies.

They're gonna get you.

Idaho: The potatoes are awesome

This post is dedicated to any and all who live in, have lived in, or who will ever live in Idaho. Also, to anyone who likes potatoes. I know that Idahoans get sick of hearing potato jokes, but since I used to live there too, that means I can officially make fun of it.

For those of you unfamiliar with maps, the red one is Idaho.

Idaho had a contest to come up with the best state slogan. They wanted it to be truthful, yet alluring. They waited weeks and weeks, but no submissions came. The deadline was approaching, so finally they just pulled a farmer out of his field and asked him to describe Idaho. So now Idaho's state slogan reads:

Idaho: More than just potatoes... Well, we're not, but they sure are darn good potatoes!

Sometimes I worry about you...

Today I recorded some of the random funny things my roommates said to each other. They may not make sense out of context, but then again they didn't make much sense in context either.

This is what a typically day in my dorm sounds like:

"I've spit on you before, did you notice?"

"...You have?"

"Yeah."

"...EW! You're a jerk!"

"Will somebody take a picture of me in front of the fridge?"

I'M IN A CANDY COMA

Reverse Halloween worked! I came back to my dorm and found a giant bowl of candy on our counter. Due to my roommates and I, it is now half gone.

Empty wrappers. Not sure why they're back in the bowl.

Needless to say, we haven't gotten anything done in three hours. My brain is in a cloudy, sugary haze. I have been sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, watching hulu and eating candy with Kelby since 3:30. We have tried to move or do something productive, but our minds just can't handle it right now. It's like information overload. Our cells are in hyperactive overdrive trying to rid our bodies of 10000 times more sugar than we should have eaten, and it's all our minds can do to keep us breathing and keep us from going into cardiac arrest.

Gimme Candy

Happy Halloween! Today is the day we can wear nearly anything and walk around at night stealing candy from strangers. Not only is it accepted, but encouraged! Sounds pretty great, right?

Wrong.

Becca is not a stripper (even though she's from Vegas)

Today's post will be written in the form of an epic poem, and it will be all about another of my dear roommates: Becca!

She's so pretty!

From Vegas she came

Her long hair a-blowing

In her eyes the flame

A-flickering and glowing

The flame of glory

The flame of triumph

I'll tell you her story

(try not to cry-umph)

"Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore..."

Nope, we're not in Kansas. We're someplace much... different. Utah, baby! Awhile ago, I did a Google search of facts about people who live in Utah. I came up with a list of 50 things that if you experience, you are probably Utahn. You know you live in Utah if...

1. You have four seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
2. Someone in the Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there.
3. You've ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

Kelby: "The coolest roommate in the dorm"

Kelby. The Kelb-meister. Kelbilicious. Kelby-welby. Kelbers.Kelby is another of my roommates. We don't actually share a room, but she's often found sitting on my or Shantel's bed. She REALLY likes us. (Well, mostly Shantel. Everyone loves Shantel.)

Shantel with Kelby. Oh so precious.

What is a window?

You've all heard the saying "Eyes are the windows to the soul". If this is true, what does this mean windows are? Here's a little math to figure it out. Let s=soul, w=windows, and e=eye.

Daily Dose of Awkward

• That awkward moment when you run to catch the light and it changes before you get there anyway.
• That awkward moment when you go out of your way to step on a crunchy leaf, you violently stomp on it, and nothing happens. It was still green.

It didn't crunch :(

Entertaining yourself in Provo

I have gotten very good at entertaining myself, since my roommate Shantel is constantly on dates. And as you know, she is my life. So when she is gone, I have no life. This happens just about every night. Not kidding; last Sunday it was like "Oh, where did Shantel go? Oh, she's over at some guy's apartment making some crepes or something? Oh." She'll go out with a guy and I sit in my room, on the floor, staring at the wall. The roles are never reversed. Because I have been on one date the entire time I've been here. And she was there too. I guess in a way this is good, because it means I won't be getting married in December, contrary to popular BYU stereotype. But at the same time, it means I never eat. Besides canned food and ramen.

If you play with fire... Make sure you bring some gasoline

So last night I went to my first bonfire ever. It was HOT.

That's me standing next to the fire. Well, as close as I could get without getting my face melted off.

So for those of you who were like me and have always lived in a fire-regulated area, bonfires are awesome. And HUGE! Before we got the fire started, I was shivering. But as soon as it was crackling and roaring, I was roasting. It was so hot that I had to go jump in the lake. I'm not kidding.

Dynamic Human Architecture

...I'm not even sure what to say about this. Yep, that's me. Laying in a parking lot. I am "planking".

"Dynamic human architecture" is merely a formal term for "planking". And "planking" is merely a formal term for "laying on random objects because you're bored".

Ode to Charlie

This post is dedicated to Charles Theodore, our beloved friend and companion. He was always here for my roommates and I, through thick and thin. Waiting for us to arrive, he greeted us on moving day with a chirpy little squeak. Every morning, he would say hello as we began a new day, thankful for such a reliable friend.

Sadly, Charlie recently met his demise. One afternoon, Shantel and I were sitting in our front room, working on homework, with Charlie peacefully watching over us with all the care of a loving parent. Suddenly, he was struck by a malicious construction worker in a dump truck. Charlie did not calmly give up his life, however. Before giving up the ghost, he smashed the rooftops of two buildings under construction, as if to say "Ha! Take that you construction worker! I'll show you who you're dealing with!" After his final punch, his broken body collapsed. I watched in horror out the window as Charlie toppled and crashed to the ground, his broken neck and crumpled body lying in a heap like a discarded umbrella. I watched as the caution tape was carefully roped around his lifeless form and as investigators began showing up at the scene. The construction workers all stood at the window, staring in disbelief at gruesome scene that lay beneath them.

Was it a date?

Those of you girls who are stuck in the "hang out" rut, this is for you (I feel your pain). This flowchart will help you to determine which of your activities have been "hanging out" and which have been actual dates. Remember, if it's a date, it's a date, regardless of what your male counterpart may call it.

The Infamous "Sundate"

Ah, the Sundate. The easiest way for a guy to get a date at BYU. A Sundate is exactly what it sounds like: a date on Sunday evening. Shantel had one last night.

But what exactly IS a Sundate? It can't really be a date, because that would be breaking the Sabbath. So it's not technically a date, but girls and boys pair off and do some fun/free activities. Basically, the guy just has to ask the girl at church if she'll come over to do something "spiritually uplifting", like decorating cookies. Last night, Shantel and her man made scones and then had deep discussions staring into each others' eyes while devouring them. Okay, it wasn't that intense. She just hung out with a guy friend and they ate and talked. (How boring, right?)

True Blue Football

True Blue Football [troo bloo foot-bawl] noun: The two hours once a year that BYU seems to lose every last scrap of sanity. Basically, Helamen fields are flooded with two feet of frothy, bright blue foam, including two giant slip-n-slides down the hill. There is an area to dance and swim in, complete with tug-of-war and strangers letting you borrow their giant, inflatable sharks to slide around on.

The Testing Center

One of the first places you will come to know very well as a BYU student: the infamous testing center.

Shantel is my life

This post is dedicated to my roommate, Shantel Sanders. She thinks she is my whole life. Sometimes she is. Let's get to know her a little!

Shantel and me at a football game

Welcome!

Since I recently moved away to college, I am starting this blog to keep my family/friends informed of my comings and goings, and to hopefully be a little bit entertaining in the meanwhile. So welcome to Provo, and go BYU!