Quarter Life Crisis

So, I guess today is my birthday or something. It was on this day twenty years ago that I decided to grace the world with my presence. I say "decided" because I was born 16 days late... Even in the womb I liked sleeping in.
Speaking of sleeping in, I wish I could have slept through today. I might be having a quarter-life crisis. (It's a thing). According to a quiz I took online today, I'll die around age 90. That means I have lived 22% of my life already. And I haven't even done 22% of the things I want to do. And for some things, it's TOO LATE BECAUSE NOW I'LL NEVER BE A TEENAGER AGAIN. I have to be all responsible and adult-like now... (probably).

All I need is 47 cats

I am basically destined to be a cat lady. Don't believe me? I'll prove it.
First. It's in my blood. My dad hates cats, but obviously these things skip a generation. Plus I'm one-fourth Canadian which starts with "ca-" just like cats does, multiplied by the square of common letters equals 100%. One hundred percent original crazy cat lady.
Second. This video (See original here)

Uh yeah Kalen is the best. We could totally start a cat colony. Like a nun convent but with cats. 

Lesser of Two Evils

I apologize for my somewhat lengthy blogging hiatus. You see, I attended spring term here at BYU, where I ACTUALLY HAD FRIENDS!!! And now that I'm home for summer, I haven't had enough motivation to get out of bed before noon, let alone to be witty, sarcastic, and annoying.
So about two months ago, I took the Salt Lake Express shuttle to good ol' Rexburg, Idaho, for my best friend's missionary farewell (Yes, I paid $115.70 for that. But I saved three dollars so it was a good deal). While I was there, I stayed with my wonderful cousin at her apartment. I also got the opportunity to tour BYU-I (aka the "lesser" BYU) and spend a little bit of time on the campus. After this experience, I came to one conclusion.

Fuzz Mormons Say

Mormons say some pretty weird things. (If you don't believe me, check it out here). I have illustrated several of these phrases, according to the picture I get in my head when little Johnny starts spouting off colloquialisms faster than two grandmas gossip. 

On a Scale of One to.....

Punny sayings.... They're better in a Utah accent. 
On a scale of one to Harry's godfather, how serious are you? Dead Sirius.

Get out of my mind!

So with everyone moving away at the end of the semester and all my guy friends going on missions, it feels like everyone I know has vanished off the face of the earth. To avoid that awful hole-in-your-stomach feeling, I've come up with a few ways to keep yourself from missing people! It works with friends, acquaintances, crushes, and even pets. So whether it's your best friend moving to Timbuktu or beloved Goldie passing away after a long fishy life (about 14 days), use these tips to stop the weeping as the plane takes off and the fish transcends the porcelain throne to his watery grave.

Goodbye, Mr. Fish. You were a good fish. You never ran away from home or anything.  :(

I think I'm kind of funny

So awhile ago I did a stand-up comedy routine for my ward talent show. I'm still not sure if it was even funny or not, but it amused me, so maybe you will find small enjoyment in it as well. Especially because it's all about our favorite topic--BYU dating. Some things are specific to my ward, but you can ignore those. Also, delivery is a big part so... pretend I'm screaming at you.

"You'll be engaged by December!"

Cinnamon Challenge

The cinnamon challenge.


I reacted even worse. So basically, the cinnamon challenge is the most horrible decision ever. Step into my shoes and see.

I'm starving!

Over the weekend, I did a media fast for my communications class. Basically, for three days, you "abstain from all forms of electronic media". This includes telephones, cell phones, radios, TVs, computers, and any other communications device powered by electricity. This means that for 72 hours, I was unable to communicate with anyone besides face-to-face contact. It was especially heartrending because my roommates and best friend went out of town for President's Day. Also, it was my Grandma's birthday and I couldn't call. To occupy myself during this media apocalypse, I kept a handwritten captain's log of my pain and suffering (at least for the first 24 hours), and now here it is for your time-wasting enjoyment.

Friday, February 17.

12:01 a.m. It has begun. The time of judgment is nigh at hand. Power down all devices.

1:09 a.m. Already breaking the rules. Turn phone on to text my mother and remind her that if she doesn't hear from me the next three days, I'm not dead. Power down all devices, for real this time.

8:04 a.m. Wake up from a dream about using my computer. Literally drooling. Disgustingly addicted.

Awopierjvkla;*&YAhfk

You know that moment when you pulled an all-nighter and you were fine becuase you were doing stuff but then you sat down to watch Hulu and then all of a sudden you're like falling aslepe...? This is that moment. I an also leaving all the typos in this post because I am took tired to fix it. (Haha, good luck, suckers.)

^ You trying to read this pots with its innumerable typos.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

"A friend in need is a friend indeed". I've never really been sure what this saying meant. But it's about friends, and friends in need. Which makes me think about how I have no friends. I am a friend in need.... to myself. I am going to be my very own best friend. And here are the ways, straight from wiki*, that I will utilize to increase my happiness.

1. "Be active". They say exercise releases endorphins into your brain that make you happy. But in my case, the pain from an asthma attack will take my mind off the emotional sorrow and loneliness. Also, hopefully if I work out I'll become more attractive, therefore more desirable, and then maybe people will like me.

Or I'll just die.

Intense Individual Research

I once got accused of "Facebook stalking" certain attractive members of the opposite sex. I replied, "I'm not stalking. I'm conducting intense individual research". Okay, I didn't actually reply, because I was looking at the 600 pictures on their profile... But I would have said that. Research is much more professional and socially acceptable than stalking. But in case you are interested, there are some really great ways to... research people.

1. Facebook's new timeline thing. You can literally see a person's entire life. Perfect for studying an individual's past relationships, occupations, life events, and literally everything. The funniest thing to do to freak people out is whilst chatting with them, go onto their timeline and "like" their birth, then immediately log off.

You won't BELIEB your ears

Alright, all you Bieber-haters. Listen up, because the next time a crazed tweenage fan girl screams in your face, "O MAH GODNES Y DO U HAET DA BEIBST3R????!!??! OMGEE LOL HES SUCH A BABE!!!", you can respond with class, dignity, and irrefutable logic why Justin is not as babe-a-liscious as it may be believed.

Multichaptasticking

I did something miraculous the other day.

I finished an entire tube of chapstick. That never happens! I always, always lose them before I finish them. I feel like I deserve an award of some sort.

This is way more prestigious than any Oscar or Emmy or Darwin award.

Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere...

Yesterday in our dorm, something terrible happened. Something awful, dreadful, utterly unpleasant, and ridiculously repulsive. It was the most dreaded day in a college student's life... Cleaning checks!

Cleaning checks are just that: your RA checks that your apartment is clean. You are assigned jobs to clean your dorm, you all do them, and then the RA comes and makes sure you did them. It's like being audited on your living space. It's stressful. Plus, you have to clean up after other people. (It does balance out, because they're also cleaning up after you, but still.)

I think I'm still in denial.

Here at BYU, finals are quickly approaching. I have exactly 8 days until my first final. Everyone around me seems to have slipped into some sort of studying hyperdrive mode, yet here I am, frivolously typing away. I feel like I'm addicted to not worrying. So, I'm going to set up a 12-step program for myself to get over it this dysfunctional and addictive behavior.

1. Admit that I am powerless over my addiction--that my life has become unmanageable.

Alright, alright. I admit it. My life is horribly, awfully, twistedly unmanageable. I can't handle it anymore. I can't even open a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli without breaking down into tears, because I am addicted to contentment. I am addicted to complacency!

Life... Is so... Hard... My lace hankie and the delicate rivulets of mascara flowing down my cheeks show you how truly burdensome this can of ravioli is to my life...

I mustache you a question...

A moustache [muhs-tash, muh-stash] is facial hair grown on the outer surface of the upper lip. It may or may not be accompanied by a type of beard, a facial hair styler grown and cropped to cover most of the lower half of the face.

The mustache, or moustache if you're British, is the perturbing paradox of man. Theoretically, the mustache adds an air of class and finesse to any schlub in a tuxedo. Truly, however, the mustache is a detriment to any and all men, no matter how angelic their clean-shaven baby face is.

Look. Even Brad Pitt can't pull it off, and apparently he's "dreamy". All it does is make him look like some 50-year-old taxi driver.

Bucket List

If you go to the Creamery a lot, you may have a bunch of 3 gallon buckets sitting around your apartment. There are many things that you can use these buckets for, and here are nine of my personal favorites, complete with disgracefully disproportionate photoshop pictures.

Creamery on Ninth

The Creamery. It's sort of like the BYU Walmart. There are ridiculously long lines at weird hours of the day--like nine o' clock at night. Weird, random items in bins in the back of the store, like q-tips and polka-dot socks. You go there for one thing, can't find it, and end up spending ten or fifteen dollars on something completely different. Also, you can shop there if you have slippers on, but not if you're wearing short shorts or a tank top. It is also Heritage Halls' top date destination. I'm not kidding. I've been on three dates that involved the Creamery.

Also, if you go to the Creamery's web page, down in the bottom left corner, there is a link of "Date Ideas". Or scroll down to "Delicious Dating". WARNING: This content may not be suitable for children who are lactose intolerant... Because it's so cheesy!

Why is the Creamery so amazing? Let's dissect it, aisle by aisle.

Weapons of Mass Distraction

Naked puppies! There, now I have your attention. Have you noticed how easy it is to get distracted? It's like, I get online to do my homework, and the next thing you know, I'm pinning an adorable puppy on Facebook. How does this happen? I'm not sure. But, here are some ways to get more distracted. Because it wasn't easy enough before.

1. Pinterest. For those of you who haven't heard of it, it sounds really dumb when you explain it. Basically you scroll through little pictures and you can like them or repin them on your boards. It's solely a time waster. The bad thing is, it gives you other things to distract yourself with. Like new hairdos. Or cookies!