I think I'm still in denial.

Here at BYU, finals are quickly approaching. I have exactly 8 days until my first final. Everyone around me seems to have slipped into some sort of studying hyperdrive mode, yet here I am, frivolously typing away. I feel like I'm addicted to not worrying. So, I'm going to set up a 12-step program for myself to get over it this dysfunctional and addictive behavior.

1. Admit that I am powerless over my addiction--that my life has become unmanageable.

Alright, alright. I admit it. My life is horribly, awfully, twistedly unmanageable. I can't handle it anymore. I can't even open a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli without breaking down into tears, because I am addicted to contentment. I am addicted to complacency!

Life... Is so... Hard... My lace hankie and the delicate rivulets of mascara flowing down my cheeks show you how truly burdensome this can of ravioli is to my life...

2. Come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

I'm wishing on a star... And trying to believe... That even though it's [hard... I'll find my sanity...]

I took some liberty with the lyrics. Mine are probably better.

3. Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of someone greater.

Mommy! Take care of me! ...Please.

Just pulled one of these.

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

Inventory Sheet: Account for and explain each component of myself.

Two eyes: ✓ Two colorful balls of liquid on my face.

Two legs: ✓ Two lumps of flesh for the purpose of walking.

Two arms: ✓ Two should-be wings. Can't be used to fly for very long--will inevitably hit the ground.

One brain: ? Used to control everything. I'm hoping it's in there.

Eleven toes*/ten fingers: ✓ Twenty-one digits for grasping, holding, and wiggling.

*See Step 10.

5. Admit to an authority figure, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.

Dear Cecil O. Samuelson,

As a part of my 12-step program to overcoming my addiction to complacency, I am supposed to admit the nature of my wrongs to an authority figure. I'm not sure what the difference is between a human being and an authority figure, but I would say you qualify as both, so pardon my cliché, but this is killing two birds with one stone. I would just like to let you know that I am not worried about finals. Hopefully you don't mind. Even though you're the president of BYU.

Sincerely,

Please don't take away my scholarship for telling you this.

6. Be entirely ready to have removed all these defects of character.

I'm ready! ...Now what? Do they magically go away?

7. Humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings.

Done. Maybe now I'll grow taller.

Ha! SHORTcomings! I am sooooo clever....

8. Make a list of persons I have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

Do grades count as "persons"?

1. My civilizations grade. 2. My chemistry grade. 3. My English grade. 4. The goldfish.

9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Oh, I've tried. It's just my teachers aren't so keen on the idea. But I helped clean Martin's tank to make up for overfeeding him, and he feels much better.

Good thing you go to the bathroom where you live, or you'd have been on the toilet a loooooong time.

10. Continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it.

I'm sorry, I was wrong. I don't really have six toes on my left foot. I only have ten toes total, making twenty digits to grasp and wiggle and shake. Please forgive me for previously stating that I have eleven toes. I miscounted.

"1-8, 2-8, 3-8, 4-8, 5-8, 6-8, 7-8, 9-8, 10-8, 11-8". Ah! I have 11 toes! (If you don't get it, read it out loud, holding up one finger at every comma. Especially if you aren't alone.)

11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out.

Ommm.... Ommm... (I'm meditating. Shh.)

This step doesn't really make sense to me, because I am trying to get over being so carefree. All that meditating is doing is helping me to be calm, complacent, and procrastinate-cent.

12. Have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, try to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

Are any of you also addicted to not worrying? If so, I have a message for you. The principles in this 12-step program will assist and encourage you to overcome this harmful enslavement. For more information or to enroll in my program call 1-800-LIFEISTOOEASY. That's 1-800-5433-47-866-3279.

If you seriously considered calling, even for a split second, perhaps you had better email me so we can discuss a different treatment plan....

...I think it worked! Oh dear... I think it may have worked a little too well. Now that I'm completely stressed about finals, I better go study. Ah! Finals!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........