Is there a doctor in the house?

Do you remember that time a couple of flu seasons ago when everyone was scared of swine flu? And if anyone coughed in class, everyone around them murmured, "Swiiiiine!" "He has the swine." "Oink, oink!" Well, I was thinking about that today because, guess what.

Bacon is delicious. Worth the risk.

I'm sick.

I'm not entirely sure what it is. All I know is that it feels like my body is at war with itself. Stomachache, headache, tired all the time, the usual. The only thing not usual? My building has been shaking for the past three hours. It feels like a miniature earthquake. Or like one of those massage chair things that don't actually massage you, they're just super annoying. I can hear the construction already, I don't need to feel it too. (If this continues during finals week, so help me...)

Just for fun, let's try to diagnose me, shall we?

I'll just skip on over to WebMD. This is probably a reliable website because it has the initials for a doctor in its URL.

Step One: Fill out all the random information that probably has nothing to do with being sick. I can maybe understand gender and age, but why zip code? It's not like in one city you get bacon aches and in another you get pork chop disorder. It's all the swine flu.

Step Two: Fill out my many symptoms. Headache, slight fever, sore muscles, chills, stomach pain, etc. Interestingly enough, there is no place for "broken heart". So if you get ditched, don't go looking to WebMD for comfort. It may be a doctor, but it is not a doctor of love.

Say it in that voice. You know that voice. "The loooooove doctor."

Results? There are 20 possible conditions for my symptoms. I'll skip the boring ones, like the common cold, or gallstones.

"I'll teach you to call my gallstones boring, you whippersnapper!"

First on the list? Viral Pharyngitis. In other words, a sore throat. No duh, I told you I had one. You can't just take my symptoms and tell me that's my illness. That's not doing anything. I bet you're not even a real doctor!

Further down: Lactose intolerance. Pretty sure that's not it because I haven't had any milk in quite awhile. Milk is gross; it tastes the way an udder smells.

Next: Appendicitis. Perfect. My appendix is going to explode and I'm going to die.

Then: Influenza. Hmm. "The flu causes a fever, body aches, a headache, a dry cough, and a sore or dry throat. You will probably fell tired and less hungry than usual. It usually takes 1 to 4 days to get symptoms of the flu after you have been around someone who has the virus"... Do you know what this means? It means Trevor gave me the flu. What a jerk. And right before finals! Does he want me to fail out of BYU or something? I bet that's it. He's conspiring with Shantel to get me kicked out so she can have her own room.

I don't really blame her. The mega-bed would be awesome.

Further down: Panic Attack. Umm, pretty sure that's not it. I'm addicted to complacency, remember?

Finally: Mononucleosis. AKA "the kissing disease". I obviously don't have that. The only person to kiss me since my mom when I moved out was when Shantel jumped on me and kissed my cheek under the mistletoe. She sat there waiting all day and then pounced. She does it a lot, actually. She kind of lives in the doorway.

Her favorite part of Christmas... Slobbery kisses. She's kind of like a puppy in that way. She jumps on people to moistly slobber on their face.

So all that WebMD told me is what I already know. I'm sick. It didn't tell me what I have or how to fix it. Guess I'll just have to wait this one out. Unless my building collapses first.

I guess it's a plus that if the apartment collapses I'll be comfortable...

Well, at least it didn't say I have cancer.