Dear Everyone,

Sometimes I wish people would listen to me. (Hence the blog...) But really, I have a few things I need to tell everyone. This means YOU. Everyone.

1. Happy birthday! I am too lazy to text/call/write on your wall/tweet your face... Seriously, I know a lot of people. I am just way too popular to call every single one of you. So consider this your birthday wish for 2012! And any other year that I don't say happy birthday. Just know that you are always in my thoughts, sometimes.

I mustache you a question...

A moustache [muhs-tash, muh-stash] is facial hair grown on the outer surface of the upper lip. It may or may not be accompanied by a type of beard, a facial hair styler grown and cropped to cover most of the lower half of the face.

The mustache, or moustache if you're British, is the perturbing paradox of man. Theoretically, the mustache adds an air of class and finesse to any schlub in a tuxedo. Truly, however, the mustache is a detriment to any and all men, no matter how angelic their clean-shaven baby face is.

Look. Even Brad Pitt can't pull it off, and apparently he's "dreamy". All it does is make him look like some 50-year-old taxi driver.