Dear Everyone,

Sometimes I wish people would listen to me. (Hence the blog...) But really, I have a few things I need to tell everyone. This means YOU. Everyone.

1. Happy birthday! I am too lazy to text/call/write on your wall/tweet your face... Seriously, I know a lot of people. I am just way too popular to call every single one of you. So consider this your birthday wish for 2012! And any other year that I don't say happy birthday. Just know that you are always in my thoughts, sometimes.

2. Don't get offended if your "statistically significant other" doesn't answer your incessant text messages. Just because they don't answer doesn't mean they're off making out with a supermodel or hugging a moose or something. They might just be BUSY: In class. Doing homework. Working out. Ignoring you because you are annoying. Seriously. Stop.

3. Hakuna matata. It means no worries for the rest of your days. When you're stressed, remember it will be okay. Just breathe, smile, and walk across a log in the moonlight.

Seriously. It helps. And if it doesn't, the stench of the warthog in front of you will probably knock you out, causing you to slip off the log into the nice bed of ferns and rose petals below, where you can take a lovely nap.

4. Don't be in such a rush to grow up. I'm having my last teenage birthday in about a week, and it's reeeeeaaaaaallly weird. There's stuff that's great about growing up, but there are a lot of great experiences you should have WHILE you're growing up. And now, the most fun I have as an "adult" is when I'm acting like a little kid. So slow down, sixth graders wearing makeup and talking about your boyfriends on your sparkly pink cell phones.

When I was in sixth grade I had pigtails and light-up sneakers....

5. Be careful about mixing medications. Sure, Advil is great for a headache. But if you're not cautious you'll get disastrous results. And I'm not just talking about accidental overdoses. I'm talking about things like mixing laxatives and sleeping pills.

6. You are what you eat. Diet carefully. Eat lots of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Also, vegetarians are putting themselves at the bottom of the food chain. Be an om(nom nom)nivore!

7. They're/their/there; you're/your; two/too/to. Please stop offending the poor homophones and use them properly. How would you like it if everyone called you by your dog's name? "Oh, it's close enough. You look the same...."

8. It takes approximately 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie pop. Now you know.

Oh, crazy owl...

9. You're welcome.