Intervention!

I am in desperate need of an intervention. For those of you who leadperfect lives, or don't know how to use a search engine, wikipedia.org defines an intervention as "an orchestrated attempt by family and friends to get someone to seek professional help with an addiction or other serious problem". Well, I have quite a few problems, but I definitely have one more serious than the rest. The past week, the earliest I went to bed was 3 a.m. THREE IN THE MORNING. I am slowly losing my mind. And dying a little bit. So if anyone wants to save my life a little bit by intervening, here is how you conduct an intervention.

Ask others to help. Gather concerned friends and family members. Or ward members, since the "friends" part will be a little on the lacking side. But you can even invite random people off the street, because I always need a second opinion, and a third, and a fourth. Just make sure there aren't any really shady characters, or I'll be up all night worrying about it.

For example, don't invite this man. Not only does he look somewhat heinous, but also he is 2-dimensional, and therefore could slip in under our door and rob us blind. Literally blind; he would steal our glasses and contacts. Because he is just that evil.

Research. Learn about the pain and suffering I am going through. Read online articles--always trustworthy--about why I am subjecting myself to this affliction. Delve deep into my little neurons to figure out the motives behind my masochism. And if you're thinking "You're crazy, I don't want to research this when you could just tell me!", I say false. I suppose I potentially could tell you my reasoning, except I myself and not quite sure why I do this to myself.

Maybe there is just a small sleep-hating emo hiding in my brain who comes out to play in the late evenings.

Commit to a unifying mission. To make sure you will be able to follow through, you need to do team-building activities before you try to intervene. You can do group trust falls, where you all fall at once. Someone will catch you. It might be that the floor catches your face, but someone will break your fall. You should also probably become blood brothers or something to make sure you're completely unified.

This is the image that came up when I googled "blood brothers".

Identify potential community partners. To be fully successful, it is best to have the help of professionals in the community. If this was a drug or alcohol problem, you could talk to a rehab clinic. If it was PTSD, you could talk to a psychiatrist. Maybe you can get me a mattress sponsor or something.

The first person who gets me a job as a mattress tester can have my wages for a year. And my first-born child.

Make a clear plan. As is manifested by every single one of my blog posts, I am a list person. To truly get through to me, you will probably need a structured outline of your reasonings and plan for me. Anything other than a list will simply not do. If you try to give me an essay, I won't read it. If you try to talk to me, I won't listen. But if you give me a numbered agenda, I will follow it down to last minute bullet-point.

Confront the problem. That problem? Me. Yell at me. A little tough love goes a long way. Maybe you could scare me into sleeping... Just be careful, because there is a fine line between scaring me awake and scaring me asleep.

Don't scare me awake unless you give me a teddy bear body guard.

Be as firm and specific as possible. Now, I may try to convince you that I'm okay, but don't believe me for a moment. I may have just eaten a brownie or a ring pop and be buzzed on sugar. If you stick around for ten or twenty minutes and the liquid energy coursing through my veins will diffuse out, and I will collapse onto the nearest sturdy piece of furniture, shaking from exhaustion rather than high blood sugar levels.

The nearest piece of furniture may be a suitcase or a stair...

Show them the reality of the situation. Convince me that terrible things are going to happen if I never sleep. Tell me that I'm going to die; that I will have dark shadows under my eyes; that I will have headaches all day e'eryday; that if I never sleep I will never have good dreams; and that my mom will be mad at me.

That one should get me... I hate the scolding finger. It makes me feel like a puppy who peed on the new rug.

Don't be afraid to say how you really feel. If you love me and want me to sleep, please tell me. I will take your feelings into consideration and may even let them influence my decision. Or more likely, if you hate me and want me to never sleep so that I die, tell me. I'll appreciate your honesty, and then use your feelings to further justify staying up late. "It's for the common good!"

Get professional help. You might have to hire a psychologist. And a psychiatrist. And a social worker. And a mental hospital worker.

Lucy would also be helpful.

Set consequences for the problem. Just threaten me a lot. The scolding finger. Also, threaten to unfriend me on Facebook if I don't go to bed on time. Anti-social networking is a very important part of my social life.

Best thing I've seen all year.

Offer hope in solving the problem. There are lots of things you can do. You could tackle me, put me in a straightjacket, and tie me in my bed. Or you could hit me on the head with a baseball bat and knock me out. The easiest method is probably to just slip a sleeping pill into my water bottle. Just please, make sure I don't hit my head on the floor when I pass out. And also, I'd appreciate waking up in my own bed in the morning.

If someone can intervene, maybe I'll go to bed by midnight tonight. Or I'll jump out a window. But you'll still be a little bit of a hero.

A dejected hero, perhaps. But a hero nonetheless.