Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Intense Individual Research

I once got accused of "Facebook stalking" certain attractive members of the opposite sex. I replied, "I'm not stalking. I'm conducting intense individual research". Okay, I didn't actually reply, because I was looking at the 600 pictures on their profile... But I would have said that. Research is much more professional and socially acceptable than stalking. But in case you are interested, there are some really great ways to... research people.

1. Facebook's new timeline thing. You can literally see a person's entire life. Perfect for studying an individual's past relationships, occupations, life events, and literally everything. The funniest thing to do to freak people out is whilst chatting with them, go onto their timeline and "like" their birth, then immediately log off.

2. Google+. Not as effective merely because not many people have it. But if you know a bunch of people who have it, you can add them to your "Stalking" circle. They can't see what circles they're in, but you will never forget to check on their updates and pictures.

3. Good old fashioned binoculars. To use, raise hands to eyes and look through at your target.


Just two words of caution: 1. Camouflage. 2. Don't get caught.

4. Literal stalking. Just follow someone around, just far enough behind that they don't notice, but still within earshot. Transfer into all their classes. Get their phone number and email address off of the BYU directory and send them long texts about your undying love and adoration of the way they tie their shoelaces. ("Oh Johnny! The way you bunny-rabbit tie your shoelaces makes my knees go weak and my stomach tingle! Your plaid-on-plaid outfit just drives me crazy, you heartthrob, you!")


Totes adorbs, totes adorbs...

There are many other ways to stalk people. I would advise you just pick the method that works best for you. And whatever you do, do NOT get caught. I'm pretty sure there are laws and basic codes of human decency that discourage and prohibit creeping on people. If someone notices that you are a psycho-stalker, you will never get another date, and therefore potential stalk-ee, for as long as you live. And you will have to live alone with cats. So just don't get caught.


Cats....

No comments:

Post a Comment