A friend in need is a friend indeed.

"A friend in need is a friend indeed". I've never really been sure what this saying meant. But it's about friends, and friends in need. Which makes me think about how I have no friends. I am a friend in need.... to myself. I am going to be my very own best friend. And here are the ways, straight from wiki*, that I will utilize to increase my happiness.

1. "Be active". They say exercise releases endorphins into your brain that make you happy. But in my case, the pain from an asthma attack will take my mind off the emotional sorrow and loneliness. Also, hopefully if I work out I'll become more attractive, therefore more desirable, and then maybe people will like me.

Or I'll just die.

2. "Write letters". Apparently "writing a letter will help you get through tough times and stay in touch with the positive in your life". Dear Wikipedia, WHO am I supposed to write to? I have no friends. Perhaps I will write to myself. Although that would probably be counter-productive, because I would write to myself asking for advice, then when I got the letter in the mail, I wouldn't have any advice to write back to myself, I'd just remember all my problems.

Although it may be fun to pretend I have a slew of star-crossed lovers who write me letters... Or maybe the unrequited love would make it worse.

3. "Look on the bright side of life". So like... stare into the sun...? But then I will just go blind and have even more issues. Although if I was blind, I could get a dog. And dog's are man's best friend. So then I would have a best friend! This is brilliant.

Oh my gosh forget a seeing-eye dog, I'm gettin' a seeing-eye PONY!

4. "Stop hating". The only thing I hate is hate itself. And Valentine's Day, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms. Is that why I have no friends? My hatred of the day of love is probably viewed as cynical, anti-romantic, and downright inhuman. But how can I turn against my personal beliefs and pretend to enjoy a day that I cannot stand? Ah, such is the paradox of man...

5. "Try to make friends with an animal, such as a dog or cat". Okay this is terrible advice. All that this will lead to is more crazy cat ladies than the world needs. And rabies. Because if I tried to follow this I would go befriend the raccoon that lives under the dumpster. I'm pretty sure I saw it foaming today.

I love you Rocky raccoon. You're so nice. Wait, why are you snarling? Stop... Stop biting me... It burns...

6. "Find a hobby". I have lots of hobbies. Sitting alone, staring out the window at people with friends... Facebook stalking people with friends... Calling my mom so people think I have friends... Photoshopping myself into pictures of people with friends....

The worst part is when you're still holding the cat...

7. "Don't be afraid to fail". Are you kidding? The reason I don't have friends in the first place is because I am not afraid to fail at being myself. But apparently everyone else is afraid of me not failing at that.

8. "Explore whether or not you may have a deeper problem". ....I already know I have a LOT of deeper issues. Actually, that's a lie. I only have a few problems. They're just really... really.... REALLY big ones...

9. "Be your own best friend". Please. I mastered this before I emerged from the womb. A friend in need is a friend indeed, and I am the only best friend who will never (hopefully) abandon myself. But only because I need each other.

Is anyone ever really this happy hugging themselves?

10. "See the advantages of having no friends". Let's see........... Uh, no social obligations... I can watch Hulu for as long as I want! Until I finish all the seasons of everything... Umm, I can get my homework done? Oh I did that last weekend... Uh... I can.... catch up on some sleep. Because 10 hours last night wasn't enough? And... I can... eat myself into a stupor. And get fat. Because I don't have to worry about impressing anyone because there is no one to impress. 20,000 calories, here I come.

Awesome baby getting a head start on a lonely life.

11. "Try and go out so you can meet other people, whether it's a new sport, outside activities or anything". Number one, I don't really do physical exertion. Number two, dear Wiki, it should be "Try TO go out", and also you missed a comma after "outside activities". ...And here is another reason why people are irritated by my presence. Grammar Nazi.

12. Something about being bullied... I'm not being bullied. People just don't like me.

Well, that was a fail.

Thanks anyways Wiki. I'll try some of these and see if they help. Or I won't, and I will still be in the exact same position as I am currently. Sitting in the dark, on my kitchen counter, on my computer. Yay.

Forever alone.

*There's a Wiki page about how to cope with having no friends......................