Lesser of Two Evils

I apologize for my somewhat lengthy blogging hiatus. You see, I attended spring term here at BYU, where I ACTUALLY HAD FRIENDS!!! And now that I'm home for summer, I haven't had enough motivation to get out of bed before noon, let alone to be witty, sarcastic, and annoying.
So about two months ago, I took the Salt Lake Express shuttle to good ol' Rexburg, Idaho, for my best friend's missionary farewell (Yes, I paid $115.70 for that. But I saved three dollars so it was a good deal). While I was there, I stayed with my wonderful cousin at her apartment. I also got the opportunity to tour BYU-I (aka the "lesser" BYU) and spend a little bit of time on the campus. After this experience, I came to one conclusion.

Fuzz Mormons Say

Mormons say some pretty weird things. (If you don't believe me, check it out here). I have illustrated several of these phrases, according to the picture I get in my head when little Johnny starts spouting off colloquialisms faster than two grandmas gossip. 

On a Scale of One to.....

Punny sayings.... They're better in a Utah accent. 
On a scale of one to Harry's godfather, how serious are you? Dead Sirius.

Get out of my mind!

So with everyone moving away at the end of the semester and all my guy friends going on missions, it feels like everyone I know has vanished off the face of the earth. To avoid that awful hole-in-your-stomach feeling, I've come up with a few ways to keep yourself from missing people! It works with friends, acquaintances, crushes, and even pets. So whether it's your best friend moving to Timbuktu or beloved Goldie passing away after a long fishy life (about 14 days), use these tips to stop the weeping as the plane takes off and the fish transcends the porcelain throne to his watery grave.

Goodbye, Mr. Fish. You were a good fish. You never ran away from home or anything.  :(

I think I'm kind of funny

So awhile ago I did a stand-up comedy routine for my ward talent show. I'm still not sure if it was even funny or not, but it amused me, so maybe you will find small enjoyment in it as well. Especially because it's all about our favorite topic--BYU dating. Some things are specific to my ward, but you can ignore those. Also, delivery is a big part so... pretend I'm screaming at you.

"You'll be engaged by December!"

Ridiculicism: The new era of photography

This post will teach you how to take a good picture, like the lovely picture at left. Or maybe even better, since I took that picture and I'm not even a professional. But here are some guidelines that will ensure a professional photograph every time.

1. Get a camera.

Perhaps the most overlooked of all steps, number one is possibly the most important. When selecting a camera, make sure you choose the best quality camera that you can afford. And never go look at cameras that you can't afford, or you'll drool all over them and break them and go into debt to pay for them, and then a tornado will hit your house and take off your roof and you won't even be able to fix it because all your money went to pay for a camera that you can't even use.

Science Sillies

Life is stressful, and we all need a good laugh every now and then. To help you do that, here are some classy science jokes. If you don't get them, it's okay; take a chemistry class and then come read them again. I'm like, in college and some of them still took me awhile to understand...

Q: If a bear in Alaska and a bear in Yosemite both fell in the water, which one would dissolve faster?

A: The one in Alaska, because it's polar.

Confucius say... Man who breathe, inspire. Man who do not breathe, expire.

Idaho: The potatoes are awesome

This post is dedicated to any and all who live in, have lived in, or who will ever live in Idaho. Also, to anyone who likes potatoes. I know that Idahoans get sick of hearing potato jokes, but since I used to live there too, that means I can officially make fun of it.

For those of you unfamiliar with maps, the red one is Idaho.

Idaho had a contest to come up with the best state slogan. They wanted it to be truthful, yet alluring. They waited weeks and weeks, but no submissions came. The deadline was approaching, so finally they just pulled a farmer out of his field and asked him to describe Idaho. So now Idaho's state slogan reads:

Idaho: More than just potatoes... Well, we're not, but they sure are darn good potatoes!

Sometimes I worry about you...

Today I recorded some of the random funny things my roommates said to each other. They may not make sense out of context, but then again they didn't make much sense in context either.

This is what a typically day in my dorm sounds like:

"I've spit on you before, did you notice?"

"...You have?"

"Yeah."

"...EW! You're a jerk!"

"Will somebody take a picture of me in front of the fridge?"

"Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore..."

Nope, we're not in Kansas. We're someplace much... different. Utah, baby! Awhile ago, I did a Google search of facts about people who live in Utah. I came up with a list of 50 things that if you experience, you are probably Utahn. You know you live in Utah if...

1. You have four seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
2. Someone in the Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there.
3. You've ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

Kelby: "The coolest roommate in the dorm"

Kelby. The Kelb-meister. Kelbilicious. Kelby-welby. Kelbers.Kelby is another of my roommates. We don't actually share a room, but she's often found sitting on my or Shantel's bed. She REALLY likes us. (Well, mostly Shantel. Everyone loves Shantel.)

Shantel with Kelby. Oh so precious.