This post will teach you how to take a good picture, like the lovely picture at left. Or maybe even better, since I took that picture and I'm not even a professional. But here are some guidelines that will ensure a professional photograph every time.
1. Get a camera.
Perhaps the most overlooked of all steps, number one is possibly the most important. When selecting a camera, make sure you choose the best quality camera that you can afford. And never go look at cameras that you can't afford, or you'll drool all over them and break them and go into debt to pay for them, and then a tornado will hit your house and take off your roof and you won't even be able to fix it because all your money went to pay for a camera that you can't even use.
2. Find a good subject for your picture.
Look for something that is pleasing to the eye (or someone..? If it's a person, though, make sure that you ask permission or that you're really sneaky.) Make sure the picture will be balanced and aesthetically pleasing, fascinating and thought-provocing. Make sure it's something your viewers will want to look at... Or else something simply so horrible that your audience cannot look away.
3. Turn your camera upside down, or stand on your head. Or lay upside down off a bench.
This will ensure that you have a fresh perspective on your subject, and guarantee that you will have new material to publish. Palm trees growing out of the ground have been photographed a million times. But how many pictures have you seen of trees growing out of the sky?
Quit staring at the attractive member of the opposite sex who's next to you and look through your camera!
4. Open your mouth in an "O", sticking out your tongue slightly, while squinting your left eye.
Much like the faces girls make while applying mascara, this face will increase the quality of your results. The "O" shape is clinically proven* to increase oxygen intake to the brain, which heightens your thinking capabilities. Another scientific study* shows that the muscles used when sticking out your tongue stimulate the sensors in the right half of your brain, which is of course the "creative" and artistic half of your brain. Squinting your left eye does much the same*; but it stimulates nerves which slow the receptors in the left side of the brain. Therefore, all the extra oxygen goes to the right side of your brain, and you metaphorically explode with creativity.
*Not based on actual scientific studies.
5. Yell something ridiculous like "Say cheese!", especially when photographing inanimate objects.
The common belief is that saying "cheese" makes the subject smile better. This, however, is completely and utterly false. When the photographer says "Say cheese!", he/she is actually mentally preparing himself for the amazing moment about to take place. It's like a pep talk from a football coach right before the game. It gets the photographer energized and ready-to-go. It also improves the performance of the "trigger finger".
6. Look through the lens/at the display.
Make sure your image is centered. Also, looking at what you're taking a picture of is always a good idea, so you make sure you're not taking any embarrassing, creepy, or scare-you-and-give-your-grandma-a-heart-attack kind of pictures, like a shot of up somebody's nose.
The horror, the horror!!!
7. Shake the camera back and forth slightly while clicking the shutter.
This will add an air of mysticism and secrecy to your photos, which is always good. In addition, it will make sure your audience stays longer at your photos, trying to figure out what the heck they are.
8. Put the image on your computer. Add some silly clipart.
The clipart will focus the audience's attention on the actual photograph, making sure they're not distracted from the true meaning of the picture. It also adds some comic relief to photos of a grave nature, ensuring public approval and better critical reviews. It's like Disney taking a horror movie and animating it. Your photo will be widely accepted and also great for children*.
*Do NOT let your children watch horror movies. They will never sleep again.
9. Tilt the image slightly.
This one is more of a favor to your audience, rather than an improvement on your picture. If your photo is tilted, it will cause your viewers to tilt their heads slightly when they see your picture, making them look smarter and more "artsy". This is perfect for guys on dates, trying to impress the cute girls they asked out. Your exhibit will make millions off of college kids who get girlfriends because of the tilt in your photographs.
10. Print your masterpiece.
This is a very important step. Without a physical copy of your picture, nothing happens. It just sits around in cyberspace, waiting to get hacked by your roommates or by the underground photography mafia.
When you're finished, you should get something that looks sort of like this:
Beautiful, eh?
Look at that monument of perfection. Mysterious, fresh, awe-inspiring, comic yet dignified, this is the very model of a professional photograph. Okay, so... these steps may not create a fabulous picture, but you sure will create a fabulous spectacle of yourself. You will be shaking an upside-down camera and yelling at trees. You should probably also stand on one foot. And make sure you are wearing an outlandish outfit that marks you as an American tourist.
"No one respects us."
Maybe this will become the new artistic movement. Romanticism, neoclassicism, and now ridiculicism. It's gonna be big.
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