Happy Thanksgiving.. Eve?

I haven't posted in awhile... Because this week is a holiday week! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is basically a big excuse for America to take a day off of work and just eat. (Because that's EXACTLY what the obesity pandemic needs, right?) The real purpose of Thanksgiving, however, is to remember your blessings and be grateful for everything in your life. That being said, here is a video of my chemistry teacher blowing up a turkey balloon.

Well, that was exciting.

On Thanksgiving, families typically gather together and have a feast of turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, rolls, vegetables, pie, and more. These items probably all have some special meaning behind them, and right now, I'm going to make those meanings up.

Turkey. Eating lots of turkey, as you may know, releases some chemical that causes you to be sleepy. This is the main course, therefore, so that you can eat as much food as you want, and you won't have to deal with the stomachache because the turkey is going to knock you out faster than NyQuil. Another useful aspect of the turkey putting you to sleep is that if you have boring or obnoxious relatives, it is a good way to either get them to leave or to let you slip into blissful unconsciousness on their couch.

Make sure you are holding their remote.

Mashed potatoes. This is a tradition because mashed potatoes are awesome. That is all.

Cranberry sauce and stuffing. These turkey condiments are to make the meal seem fancier than just a Sunday dinner. Stuffing is delicious, but no one who still has full use of their tastebuds actually likes cranberry sauce. They just don't mind it and will eat it if it's offered. But you don't hear people in the grocery store, "Oh no! I forgot to grab the cranberry sauce. Run and grab that, Billy, I can't go without; it's my faaaavorite." No.

It would be better if it was mixed into Jello.

Rolls. Likewise as mashed potatoes. Plus, if you're going to be eating 20,000 calories, you might as well have a bunch of delicious carbs to go with it.

Vegetables. No one really eats them, so I'm pretty sure they're just there as a pretense of healthy eating. Oh look, I have a carrot slice on my plate.... Next to the heaping pile of turkey, potatoes, and 6 slices of pie.

Pie. The forte of Thanksgiving dinner is the desert! There is so much deliciousness to partake of. At my family's Thanksgiving, there is normally apple pie, pumpkin pie, banana cream pie, chocolate pie, dutch apple pie, cherry pie, and more! Yum. And yes, I try a small (or not) slice from each one. Except pumpkin. I don't know why pumpkin pie is so beloved in this country. Sure it smells awesome, and tastes okay, but the texture is so slimy and ooey and gooey and gross. It's like swallowing a toad or a yogurt-filled sock.

To prepare for Thanksgiving, you must eat large breakfasts a week before the day. The day of (the last Thursday in November), you have a very small breakfast. Just enough to tide you over until the actually meal. Then you stuff your face! Unless you are a 15 year old boy, after eating this king among meals, you will be more full than you ever have been in your life. You will feel like you are about to burst. There is really only one thing you can do in this situation to alleviate the pain before the turkey kicks in. Here's what you do. Get down on the floor. Lay on your stomach. Put your hands down to your sides. Rock slightly back and forth. While making whale noises.

You will look and feel like a beached whale. But maybe if you're lucky, some nice environmentalists will come pour water on you and try to throw you back in the ocean.