The horror, the horror!

Finals are upon us... And since I have taken three in the last 24 hours, I figure I deserve this blogging break. Today's topic: Everything you need to know about finals.

First of all. Resistance is futile. If you haven't been studying and attending class all along, you're not going to learn anything out of the book. Let's face it. You're going to fail. So why bother trying? Just show up and take them all Monday morning. With 5 tests at an average of 20 minutes each, you could be done in less than two hours! If failure is inevitable, you might as well enjoy the rest of your week. And you can laugh at everyone else who is stressing about studying.

Next. In order to perform properly on your 100 minutes of testing, you need to make sure you eat right for the week leading up to and the day of testing. Lots of water, carbs, and apples are good for you. To me, that sounds like apple pie! So eat lots of pie. Also, be sure to eat lots of sugary foods and soda to keep you awake. Most importantly, have a ton of chips and other salty snacks. The salt will make you thirsty, which means you will drink lots more water, and water is good for your brain. It keeps it from sticking to the inside of your skull. The best brain foods are chocolate, Pringles, and especially Hot Cheetos.

If you are what you eat, you will be very happy and have a lot of friends.

After you are eating right, next you need to get some sleep. To get the proper amount of sleep, you need to determine the hours per night that your body needs. To do this, take your age. Add the digits together until you get to a single digit number.

Example: If you are 19, add 1+9=10; then 1+0 = 1.

Next, multiply by three.

Add three.

Multiply by three again.

Add the digits together again.

Now subtract 9.

This will be the total hours of sleep you need each night.

You will be roarin' and ready to go!

Lastly, to prep for the big exam, you need to make sure you're physically ready. What does this mean? Yep. Finger and wrist exercises. Healthy fingers do at least 100 finger push-ups a day. You need to keep your joints loose and limber, hale and hearty. Stronger fingers are clinically proven to improve your score up to 25%*.

*Not hard to do when you're getting 10% in the first place.

Now that you've read this post, you should get back to studying. Or don't. You're gonna fail anyways.