Quarter Life Crisis

So, I guess today is my birthday or something. It was on this day twenty years ago that I decided to grace the world with my presence. I say "decided" because I was born 16 days late... Even in the womb I liked sleeping in.
Speaking of sleeping in, I wish I could have slept through today. I might be having a quarter-life crisis. (It's a thing). According to a quiz I took online today, I'll die around age 90. That means I have lived 22% of my life already. And I haven't even done 22% of the things I want to do. And for some things, it's TOO LATE BECAUSE NOW I'LL NEVER BE A TEENAGER AGAIN. I have to be all responsible and adult-like now... (probably).
So a calendar reminder just popped up on my phone called "Now you're old so go cry about it". Except it was in all caps. And I don't remember putting that there... So obviously even my phone can tell that I'm beginning to become old and withered. Like a prune. Or a raisin. Or Hilary Clinton.
Basically, I've finally relized why adults hate birthdays.
1. It's just another reminder of your impending demise.
2. You still have to go to work for 9 hours. And your mom doesn't bring cupcakes, and your boss doesn't make all your coworkers sing to you, and you don't get to make a birthday poster to show everyone why you're so great. Most people don't even realize it's your birthday.
3. You get underwear, socks, and dry shampoo as presents. If you have a party with your friends, they will all give you cute baskets of body wash, of course hinting that you smell bad.
4. But really, forget about parties with your friends. They're all married or having babies, or live in a different city (without cars, of course), or are on missions and probably don't even realize it is your birthday.
5. You realize cake and ice cream and pizza give you gas.
6. You're still single. (This isn't a big deal when you're only 20 and going on a mission in April, but it is when you're 50 and have 36 cats, four of which are pregnant).
7. Too many Facebook notifications.... All of them for wall posts like that one from that girl who's friends-with-your-little-brother-and-added-you-to-stalk him saying "I DONT R3ALLY NO U TO W3LL BUT HPPY BIRFFDAY I GU3SS <3" and then all you want to do is go weep over the grave of Grammar.

8. That song... You know, the awkward "happy birthday" song that no one really knows the tune to but they try to harmonize anyway and it just sounds like something is dying, plus everyone is staring at you really creepily and you're not sure what to do with yourself, so you just stare at the flames on the candles on the cake you're about to spit on and then dish up to your nearest and dearest.
9. You're too tired to do anything awesome. All you really want to do is sit in bed and eat your entire cake while watching The Bachelor on Hulu.
10. The only present you really want is money, because you're poor, but everyone else you know is poor too.
11. I don't remember what I was going to say for this one because I just got free Panda Express and a donut. Yum. Happy birthday.

Me and my 20th birthday: Still a better love story than Twilight.