This time I really am dying

In December, I got really sick and diagnosed myself on WebMD. I thought I was going to die. Luckily for all of you, I didn't. But I had to go to the doctor today (annual summertime checkups with the doctor, dentist, optometrist...). Also I have had asthma for like 47 years but never got officially diagnosed and I decided that I should probably get an inhaler so that I can breathe every once in awhile.

Oxygen is kind of a big deal. 

So anyways, I went to my pediatrician (whatever I'm still a kid). And I got an inhaler. But then the doctor was all, "Oh hey let me check on your immunizations!" He left to get my record and I tried to run away, but my mom grabbed me (whatever my mom came. I'm still a kid) and held me down. Turns out I had to get a shot... Turns out that one time when I got a flu shot and fainted wasn't a fluke. I passed out again. 

Fainting is quite the interesting experience. First you get all dizzy, then you feel the blood draining out of your head. Then you get all cold but all sweaty at the same time. And then everything goes all black and it's sort of like you're dreaming. You're super aware of yourself but you can't control your limbs. You feel so stiff and cold and it's weird. 

But fainting is only one of the reasons I hate going to the doctor's office. The whole experience is just painful for me. But especially because of these: 

1. That arm cuff blood pressure thing. I feel like there's a python strangling my arm for dinner. And then when they're finally done 38 minutes later, your arm is all red and you're pretty sure your blood vessels are all broken. What's my blood pressure? Nothin because you just completely destroyed my brachial artery.

 "Your BP is 105 over 60". Cool that means nothing to me. 

2. Getting weighed. I am always afraid that they're going to look at the scale, shake their heads, and mumble something about too many Hint of Lime tortilla chips. 

3. Germs. I mean, who came up with the idea of a clinic in the first place? Here let's take all this sick people and put them all together so the people who already have low immune systems can get all these other diseases too.

It probably was Patrick's idea. 

4. That hospital smell. The doctor's office always smells like disinfectant, medicine, and all the joy being sucked out of your entire body (yes, that is a scent. It smells sort of like spinach). 

5. The waiting room magazines. There are all these skinny, beautiful, healthy people smiling at you from the covers, as if to mock you: "You could be this healthy and pretty if only you made $47 billion a year like us. Rich people don't get asthma. Or shots. We are naturally immune to those lower-class diseases". 

6. The absolute worst thing about going to the doctor? Those stupid paper sheets. You know, the ones you're supposed to sit on on the exam bench? And anytime you move, it crinkles louder than a bag of chips in the middle of the night when your parents don't know you're eating. And then you get up and there's a butt-print and you're like, wow, maybe the nurse who weighed me was right. Also, the paper kind of looks like butcher paper, so you feel a little bit like a package, or a piece of meat waiting on the butcher's counter. It is just a little unnerving. 

So basically I tend to avoid the doctor's office, and hospitals, and really anyplace that is supposed to keep you from dying, and hope I can manage on my own.

That's why I'm CPR certified.