It's not you, it's me

BOY DRAMA. It happens.

They say "Only two things in life are certain: death and taxes." To this, I would add a third universal constant: boys will rarely do as you expect them to, and certainly will never do what you wish them to. Now, this isn't entirely your fault, men. I concede that women are strange, highly volatile creatures, and unless you are one of them, it is highly improbable that you can ever determine their desires. I, however, have a male conspiracy theory, that men aren't necessarily trying as hard as they would have us believe.

I feel like a lot of guys like me, but I don't like them. Or they like me more than I like them. Or I like them but they like my roommates. Or I like them and they are leaving on a mission soon. Or I like them and they like me but I don't want to date them. Sometimes boys make me feel like putting a down payment on a smart car, learning to knit, and investing in five or six felines.

Here's my theory. Boys don't want girls to like other boys.

When you don't like any of them, they're fine with it and leave you alone. Only problem, you don't want to be left alone.

When you finally DO like someone, a bunch of other guys come out of nowhere and ask you on dates and try to distract you from the one you like. They don't want you to like someone else. They don't, however, necessarily want you to like them, either. It's like, if you're not a supermodel/crazy genius/super talented girl, they just want you to be a celibate nun for the rest of your life.

My boyfriend is like a trampoline. I don't have a trampoline.

They get other guys to be jerks to you so they seem really nice by comparison, you fall for them, and then when they have your heart they rip the still-beating muscle out of your chest cavity and gobble it down like some kind of demonic Minotaur-Aztec man.

They only take you out to dinner so that you get fat and other guys won't ask you out.

^ My life.

They compliment you and make you happy, but only so they can knock you lower later. "The higher they are, the harder they fall"...

Even the truly nice guys are jerks. They are wonderful and you fall for them, and they like you, except they think they've been "friend-zoned" and so never go for anything.

Guys are just dumb by default.