I mustache you a question...

A moustache [muhs-tash, muh-stash] is facial hair grown on the outer surface of the upper lip. It may or may not be accompanied by a type of beard, a facial hair styler grown and cropped to cover most of the lower half of the face.

The mustache, or moustache if you're British, is the perturbing paradox of man. Theoretically, the mustache adds an air of class and finesse to any schlub in a tuxedo. Truly, however, the mustache is a detriment to any and all men, no matter how angelic their clean-shaven baby face is.

Look. Even Brad Pitt can't pull it off, and apparently he's "dreamy". All it does is make him look like some 50-year-old taxi driver.

Take note, boys. This is coming from a girl. If you're under 40, facial hair is gross. It looks bad, and probably feels gross to kiss. I wouldn't know, but my sources say they won't kiss their boyfriend if he has facial hair. I reiterate; it is gross. It looks like you have a dead rat hanging out on your upper lip.

Excuse me sir... You've got an expired rodent right there... To the left a little... There, got it.

Well, now that I've insulted the "piece of art" you've been growing for a month and a half, here is a funny way to judge people based on their appearance. (After you look at that chart, you may wonder why a full beard/mustache is the most trustworthy. Think about it: Santa. Dumbledore. Jesus.)

I really have nothing more to say. Facial hair, gross. Mustaches, funny. If you're running from the cops, use this.

Friends don't let friends' upper lips go naked.