So awhile ago I did a stand-up comedy routine for my ward talent show. I'm still not sure if it was even funny or not, but it amused me, so maybe you will find small enjoyment in it as well. Especially because it's all about our favorite topic--BYU dating. Some things are specific to my ward, but you can ignore those. Also, delivery is a big part so... pretend I'm screaming at you.
"You'll be engaged by December!"
Quick disclaimer before we begin: Prolonged exposure to my sense of humor may cause rash or irritation. Especially irritation. If this occurs, contact your physician immediately. Keep out of reach of children.
Another thing that should be kept out of reach of children?
BYU dating.
Have you ever noticed that 1% of the ward gets 99% of the dates? I propose that we Occupy Singles' Ward! Pretty soon you're going to see girls carrying around signs proclaiming their 99 percenthood. You might see things like:
I have to buy my own dinners on the weekend.
I sit at home watching Friends because I don't have real friends.
I thrive on Ramen and Nutella.
I'm 22 and single.
There should be a man-tithe!
My food cupboard. Got some variety with the on-sale off-brand wheat thins.
I have a feeling, however, that the so-called 1% would begin to retaliate. You'd see things like:
I never have time for homework!
I live in constant fear of breaking numerous earts.
I'm getting fat because I eat out for free four times a week.
Tax me on my men!
You know the Democrats, bless their little hearts, managed to propose a feasible wealth-sharing program, so I think we should be able to as well. (And yes, I just compared the boys to money). All I'm saying is, even if it is catch-and-release in the 4th stake, if Christ could feed 5,000 with two fishes, we should be able to work something out with equal numbers.
Speaking of equal numbers, there seems to be a disproportionate amount of hungry RM's, and I don't mean hungry because they miss the members feeding them. It's always awkward when you notice a 20-something scoping out your ring finger. And how do you tell the RM's you're not interested? You can't just hold your fingers in a cross and scream, "Back, foul demon! I'm underage!" For some reason, I don't think that will go well.
This looks way too nice. Picture it much more violently.
But even worse is when you think he's a great guy. You're chatting it up, hoping he'll ask you on a date, when suddenly you hear the worst six words a guy could ever say to a freshman girl. Not "I just got out of jail", not "I'm an apostate who hates members", and not even "my girlfriend was telling me yesterday...." But no, the worst six words a freshman girl could ever be told: "When I was on my mission..." You choke a little, gasp out "Wh-where did you serve?", and try to sneak away as he reminisces.
If he continues to pursue you, just bring up his mission. "Hey, you know how on your mission you weren't allowed to date...? Let's pretend it's still that way..."
Then again, some girls have the opposite problem--they try too hard--they are overly flirtatious. They waltz into the Creamery like they own the place. They saunter up to the counter and twirl their hair, purring, "Well hello, can I get a... child-sized scoop of grrrrraham canyon, please?" The guy behind the counter indifferently asks, "Would you like a cup or a cone?" The flirt giggles: "Heehee oh you are soooo funny!" She lightly touches his arm and coos, "I'll have it in a cup, you handsome devil!" The blasé cashier responds, "Will that be all?" The flirt murmurs, "All for the ice cream anyways..." and stands there smizing coyly. The cashier pauses, glances at her flirtatious attempt, and states, "That will be $1.39." The flirt is taken aback and storms off in a huff, scoffing out, "What?! How rude!", as she was expecting the employee to wink and whisper, "It'll be on the house."
But there are worse situations. There's that awkward moment when a guy you don't really know asks you on a date. Though flattering, more often than not it leads to an incredibly awkward evening. For example, I once went on a date with someone I hadn't seen or talked to in ten years... I was home 30 minutes after he picked me up. But even worse than that is when he uninvitedly puts his arm around you. You aren't sure what to do, so you get up to get something, but when you sit back down he does it again! What can you do? It's not like you can just sniff his armpit and start convulsing. That's not exactly socially acceptable.
Unless he has stinky armpits. In this case, convulsing is compulsory.
Speaking of socially unacceptable, DTR anybody? Unlike a more popular "DTS", DTRs never lead to joy. DTR means: Destroy the Relationship; Death to the Relationship; and sometimes it's even short for DYRTTWEAP: Did you really think this was even a possibility?
It may have even seemed like your DTR went well, but the next thing you know you're sitting home alone on a Friday night eating Nutella and sobbing into your pillow watching Hallmark commercials. DTRs--avoid them like the plague.
Speaking of the plague, remember to practice safe dating. Because misuse only leads to one thing--cats.
Cat ladies are never alone...
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